A newbie guide to buying espresso gear

[John F]

I've decided to offer this realistic guide for newbie espresso gear....here ya go prospective newbie.


Everybody will tell you that you need an expensive grinder and it's more expensive than the machine you are looking at starting with.

Ignore them, you already have a grinder just stick with it and order your entry level machine.

As soon as it arrives unpack it. Admire the most expensive coffee machine you have ever purchased. This next part will be hard for you to do but it will save you a lot of time if you follow my instructions exactly...

Pack the machine back up and put it on ebay with a buy it now of about 30% of what you paid for it. When you get the money set it on the side for a second. Now think of a number so high your significant other will smack you right in the face if you suggested spending it on another machine after the debacle with the last one.

You will need to triple that number and add the ebay money you set aside to this new amount and look for your next machine. Be warned you will very likely need to add just a little bit more money after you find the right machine.

In order to find this machine you should spend about 37 days researching for several hours per day. Fret mightily over every detail and after exhaustion overtakes you order the machine.

When the machine gets to your house unpack it and this time you are going to pull a shot....

Did you see how fast that shot pulled?

Kind of fast huh?

Turns out you are going to need that grinder after all.....damn, I really thought you might be able to get by with that one you had.

Oh well, think of a number so high that your significant other will kick you below the belt for suggesting spending on a grinder after all you have spent on that other sruff. Triple or possibly quadruple that number depending on what your 29 days of research and detail scrutiny reveal to you, take a deep breath, and when the coast is clear hit the checkout icon and wait for you grinder to get here.

After your fat lip heals and you are pulling shots on your keen new set up you might be interested to know that you need a couple few other small things. So go ahead and buy a couple milk pitchers, some tampers, cleaning supplies, maybe a knock box, and at least $70 worth of stuff from Orphan Espresso. It really does not matter what you order from OE this is just an introductory order to get your feet wet.

Ok, Now...things are getting good right?

Now that you have all of this gear set up you will need to pull shots for 2-3 years on this gear until you establish your routine. You will have a progression of learning how to make lots of sink shots, an occasional mediocre shot and after some time you will be able to pull "good" shots.  This next part will be very difficult and I'm afraid to offer suggestions on how you will accomplish it but by hook or crook you are going to have to get around some (known good) espresso. You need to do this to both start establishing a new understanding of espresso and to realize that you will need to upgrade your machine now.

This time you do not need to think of any numbers. You only need to do about 677 days worth of research and the machine will come to your mind. Once it does the price will reveal itself to you. Resist the urge to think you are crazy because if you have made it this far you will be buying this machine no matter if you need to save for a long time, sell your house, or whatever but just get over it and get on with the acceptance.

NOW!!

Now you are in a great place to start your espresso journey.

[peter]

And you still won't be hard-core, you'll only be soft-core.   

Then you have to buy a share in a cow so you can have raw milk.   

[John F]

You don't have to buy a cow share.

Clandestine raw milk buys are a hoot.

"pssst, hey...wanna buy some milk?"

[Tex]

Hey John, you left out the best part: Paying outrageous amounts to get your pride & joy working again because you were running tap water through it until it just quit working.

[grinderz]

John, I think you better sleep on it before you sticky this thread. Er, on second thought forget I ever brought up sleep. 

I think maybe I'll fix the thread's title for you, too...  "This is mean."   

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.
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... and wsikes, if you're reading this, don't listen to John and just have fun with your new machine while you're shopping for your new grinder.

[John F]

You say it's mean but you didn't say it isn't true.   

And look...I probably just made Jeffo cringe at my sentence.

Probably the second or third time.

[grinderz]

Not only do you have to buy a share in a cow to get the raw milk, but you've got to pay someone to keep the cow out of the weeds so your premium raw milk doesn't taste like thistle.

You've also got to re-mineralize the RO water you use to avoid scaling your machine to get a good extraction and taste, and you'll need granite counter tops and hand-turned wooden handles.

What!?! Next you'll be telling us that fancy little pinky cups are mandatory, too.

[mp]

Not only do you have to buy a share in a cow to get the raw milk, but you've got to pay someone to keep the cow out of the weeds so your premium raw milk doesn't taste like thistle.

You've also got to re-mineralize the RO water you use to avoid scaling your machine to get a good extraction and taste, and you'll need granite counter tops and hand-turned wooden handles.

What!?! Next you'll be telling us that fancy little pinky cups are mandatory, too.

What ... you mean no one mentioned that yet?

 

[mp]

I've decided to offer this realistic guide for newbie espresso gear....here ya go prospective newbie.


Everybody will tell you that you need an expensive grinder and it's more expensive than the machine you are looking at starting with.

Ignore them, you already have a grinder just stick with it and order your entry level machine.

As soon as it arrives unpack it. Admire the most expensive coffee machine you have ever purchased. This next part will be hard for you to do but it will save you a lot of time if you follow my instructions exactly...

Pack the machine back up and put it on ebay with a buy it now of about 30% of what you paid for it. When you get the money set it on the side for a second. Now think of a number so high your significant other will smack you right in the face if you suggested spending it on another machine after the debacle with the last one.

You will need to triple that number and add the ebay money you set aside to this new amount and look for your next machine. Be warned you will very likely need to add just a little bit more money after you find the right machine.

In order to find this machine you should spend about 37 days researching for several hours per day. Fret mightily over every detail and after exhaustion overtakes you order the machine.

When the machine gets to your house unpack it and this time you are going to pull a shot....

Did you see how fast that shot pulled?

Kind of fast huh?

Turns out you are going to need that grinder after all.....damn, I really thought you might be able to get by with that one you had.

Oh well, think of a number so high that your significant other will kick you below the belt for suggesting spending on a grinder after all you have spent on that other sruff. Triple or possibly quadruple that number depending on what your 29 days of research and detail scrutiny reveal to you, take a deep breath, and when the coast is clear hit the checkout icon and wait for you grinder to get here.

After your fat lip heals and you are pulling shots on your keen new set up you might be interested to know that you need a couple few other small things. So go ahead and buy a couple milk pitchers, some tampers, cleaning supplies, maybe a knock box, and at least $70 worth of stuff from Orphan Espresso. It really does not matter what you order from OE this is just an introductory order to get your feet wet.

Ok, Now...things are getting good right?

Now that you have all of this gear set up you will need to pull shots for 2-3 years on this gear until you establish your routine. You will have a progression of learning how to make lots of sink shots, an occasional mediocre shot and after some time you will be able to pull "good" shots.  This next part will be very difficult and I'm afraid to offer suggestions on how you will accomplish it but by hook or crook you are going to have to get around some (known good) espresso. You need to do this to both start establishing a new understanding of espresso and to realize that you will need to upgrade your machine now.

This time you do not need to think of any numbers. You only need to do about 677 days worth of research and the machine will come to your mind. Once it does the price will reveal itself to you. Resist the urge to think you are crazy because if you have made it this far you will be buying this machine no matter if you need to save for a long time, sell your house, or whatever but just get over it and get on with the acceptance.

NOW!!

Now you are in a great place to start your espresso journey.

John ... I had to laugh reading this as you could have substituted my name for this story.